WARREN TOWERS—Sources report that upcoming weekend plans for Oscar viewing parties have completely overshadowed the celebration of Oscar Fernz’s (CGS ’19) birthday.

“I saw events on Facebook and flyers in Warren and at first I got really excited, ‘Is everyone as pumped for my big day as I am?’ I wondered,” stated Fernz, “but I now realize that all those people aren’t actually planning on joining me at The Cheesecake Factory this weekend.”

“No, those people only care about seeing whether or not Leonard is finally going to get his stupid award and not about celebrating nineteen beautiful years of Oscar over delicious angel hair pasta and a ultimate red velvet cake cheesecake,” added Fernz.

Friends of Fernz have been put in an awkward position over whether to support their friend or to watch people they wish were there friends.

“I do love Oscar,” stated Lonnie Hobbes (COM ’19), “but I am a Film and Television major so, as such, it’s actually crucial that I do watch The Oscars, you know, to like keep up with what’s going on with my field.”

At press time, Leonard DiCaprio was seen reserving Cheesecake Factory restaurants nationwide to host private Oscar screenings for his family and friends across the country.

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