BU BEACH—We all know the legends told to us by our BU tour guides, that when you close your eyes on the BU Beach, you’ll hear ocean sounds. But every single time, without fail, these tour guides fail to address the real situation.

If you close your eyes on the BU Beach, you might get mauled by a grizzly bear.

It’s true. With a lack of vision, you will only be using four senses. When you let your guard down on the beach, the bears can sense your fear. Can smell it on you like that month-old pizza you’ve still got marinating away in your fridge.

Not only that but if you’re an attractive son-of-a-bitch, you should keep your eyes peeled at all times. If a bear will maul Leo DiCaprio, rest assured you’re not safe.

Eyewitness accounts of the BU Bear place him at ten feet tall, weighing over 700 lbs, with teeth the size of your fist, and paws the size of your head, ready to defend his territory.

So step behind Marsh Chapel at your own risk, but do not—DO NOT close your eyes.

He’s waiting for your guard to drop.

He’s right behind you.

… It’s not even worth it. Nothing about cars sounds like the goddamn beach, you Canadian.

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