I’m seeing a lot of boldness in the world lately, especially from people who shouldn’t be so sure of themselves. So, because no one asked, I thought I’d share a list of a few of these people and why I don’t believe they deserve opinions.

Timothée Chalamet 

There’s just something about him that can’t be trusted. For one, he was born in Manhattan. No one is born in Manhattan. Everyone is born in small Midwestern suburbs, realizes they have a dream bigger than this town, and then moves to Manhattan. If you’ve never seen a cow, then you don’t deserve an opinion.

The girl in 8th grade who told me, in front of everyone, that I couldn’t borrow her swimsuit because I would stretch it out, after I forgot my bathing suit, so I had to sit on the edge and watch everyone have fun without me

My therapist(s) loves this story. It was traumatizing. That being said, body dysmorphia has been a great conversation starter for me ever since.

People who work at Sweetgreen

Yeah, we get it, you enjoy kale. I can tell that everyone who works there feels superior, and maybe they are, but if I’m going to feel inferior to someone I better be slurping down a milkshake while doing it. If your stomach doesn’t jiggle then you don’t deserve an opinion.

Charli D’Amelio’s dad

Something about him irks me, so he doesn’t get an opinion. Granted, his failed political career shows that no one wants him to have an opinion either. As compensation for not having an opinion, he will get a Hulu show that is just him making hand gestures at a camera in silence.

Men over the age 50 and under the age of 48

49 just feels like a sweet spot. Idris Elba is 49, and he can be trusted, but you go one year over or under that…it’s game over. There is too much risk.

Men from my hometown

I cower at the thought of running into them at the mall when I visit my parents. Their devil’s advocate opinions were bad in high school civics class, I’m sure they’re even worse now. Their sons won’t be allowed to have opinions either. Sorry, I don’t make make the rules. Oh, wait, I do! <3 

In general, men who want to have opinions

I think it’s safe to just cross them all out in one swoop. I don’t think they should get everything they want, and if they want an opinion…then no. Ladies, if a man ever asks to have an opinion…actually if a man ever speaks to you…run. That’s a huge red flag. Remember #Kony2012? Well, I’m starting my own revolution called #SilentMenOnly2021.

Me

I should not be trusted with the burden of having an opinion. 

Following publication, all of these opinions were redacted.

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