Fact: Pre-law isn’t a major. It’s something you can declare at any point that means nothing beyond, gee I sure hope one day I’ll get into law school. News flash Brenda! You won’t.

Brenda’s audacity first came to my attention when my Warren floor was doing the usual name and major icebreakers at the beginning of the year. 

“I’m Brenda,” she said. “I’m a freshman, and I’m pre-law.”

I was like okay, but what’s your major? 

There are literally no required classes, majors, or specific academic requirements to be pre-law. I looked it up. So Brenda, guess what? Technically, we’re all pre-law. 

Every overly enthusiastic vocal performance major, every frat guy vaping in the back of the lecture hall, every admitted member of the class of 2024, and even I, are pre-law.

With every icebreaker I came closer to cracking, closer to standing up and smacking her right in her moronic face, and closer to dropping out of school altogether. I’m not sure I can take this anymore. 

Did I mention that Brenda and I have every class together? Nobody has ever corrected her. No teaching fellow, professor, or disgruntled student with a real major has ever had the gall to look at Brenda in her stupid eyes and ask her what she’s actually studying.

Brenda, you dumb, ugly, stupid bitch, stop trying to make your lame English major seem impressive. You’re in CAS with the rest of us.

Sincerely, every pre-med student.

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