Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)

Clocking in at 6 feet long and 1 inch in girth, my dick is the safest place to be during these tough times.

Look, I know that this Coronavirus thing is really serious and no one should be hooking up with random people, but for me it’s different. I can maintain a safe physical distance of 6 feet while still having fantastic sex. I guess I’m, like, the chosen one?

It was already pretty easy to get girls, being a medical marvel and all that. But in the time of social distancing, business has been better than ever. Dr. Fauci even shouted me out on TV!

Not only is my dick legal under Massachusetts COVID guidelines due to its unbelievable length, but I’ve been hand sanitizing it between appointments! I’m happy to report that I’ve had some extremely happy customers leave positive reviews on my website, $60 For A 6 Footer.

“Girls! Listen up! His dick actually is 6 feet long. Like, it’s so long that when he tried talking dirty during sex, I had trouble hearing him from so far away. Oh, and he didn’t give me Corona!” Lindsey Covington posted on my website. 

Another satisfied customer of mine wrote, “The sex was mediocre. You won’t cum, but you wont get Corona either!”

At press time, The Bunion learned that his dick is being used as a measuring tool to maintain physical distance guidelines during on-campus Corona tests.

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