Being a college woman can be scary. My family lives really far away in Connecticut. I have my sorority sisters and 70K Instagram followers, but sometimes I need the support that only a cynical, tired, and middle-aged man can provide. I considered going on Seeking Arrangements to find a Sugar Daddy. However, I’m actually very rich. I’m just looking for emotional support.
That’s when I met Bernard, the security guard in my building.
I entered the lobby at 8pm on a Friday night. Dressed in suede boots and a crop-top (actually my little sister’s pajama shirt, but it looks better on me), I was ready to meet my Tinder date, Matt or something.
Bernard was eating a donut and flipping through a magazine. He looked at my outfit and asked: “Are you really going out like that? It’s supposed to snow tonight.”
Taken aback by his criticism, I replied sharply: “A hoe never gets cold. Besides, I’m going on a date with this really hot BC guy Matt.”
Bernard chuckled and said: “Good luck. But don’t expect him to give you your jacket. I’ve seen a lot of young women like you sign in BC Matts. None of them gentlemen.”
I couldn’t get Bernard’s words out of my head all night. He was right! It snowed. Matt didn’t even ask if I was cold. I spent two hours listening to him talk about fantasy football and I got frostbite .
When I got back to Warren, Bernard looked at me worriedly. “Your face is blue,” he said.
“I’m fine!” I replied, clearly defeated. Then I passed out in the lobby.
I woke up in a hospital bed. Bernard sat next to me, eating a donut.
“Good! You’re awake.” He said. “I brought you to the hospital last night, after you passed out in the lobby. You’re going to be fine. The doctor said this happens to a lot of people who juice cleanse and then drink fourteen vodka cranberries.”
In that moment, I realized what kind eyes he had. Was Bernard kind of… hot?
“How can I thank you for taking such good care of me?” I asked. I was definitely flirting with him. All the Matts in the world would never treat me like this. “Can I take you out for coffee and donuts?”
“I’d love that,” Bernard said. “But I’m paying. I’ll take you on a real date.He reached for my hand across the hospital bed. “I hope you like dad jokes.”
It’s time I stop chasing boys, and start dating men. I’m ready to say ok, Boomer.