Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)

I’ve always been confused about Thanksgiving. I’m not complaining about the celebrations, but I do have questions. Like many, I throw on my stretchy pants, fill my plates with rolls and take a three hour nap. To me, this is just a normal Thursday.

I don’t get why these actions are so special. Similar to Thanksgiving day, my plate rarely has greens on it on any given day. I found out recently that it’s not okay for your plate to be whiter than the Trump intern photo.

Thanksgiving is the reason I have trust issues, and it makes me question everything I’ve ever known about my own health and well being.

Is consuming 4000 calories a day normal?

Is making eye contact with a relative not grounds for downing an entire bottle of wine?

Why don’t people like cranberry sauce?

Other things I typically do that seem to be reserved for Thanksgiving include: hiding from family members, pretending to enjoy watching football, and checking my hometown Tinder because I’m extremely desperate.

This day is just so normal to me, but there is still one aspect I find quite odd: People willingly spending time with their families. Why can’t I just eat my 4000 calories in silence? Also, why does everyone assume I’m now in a relationship? Grandma, do I look like someone emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship?

Author’s Note: By the time this article is published I have probably eaten seven whole turkeys by myself since the start of writing.

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