Having been a cult follower of Gwenyth Paltrow ever since the vagina egg, I have since started my own journey of self discovery via natural methods. I’ve made my own sweaters spun from wool that was cleansed by my own pee, spent a night in the chimpanzee exhibit to connect with my ancestral roots, and also got a sunburn all over my body to help skin regeneration. On my next endeavor I was ready for something more intimate: the bee vibrator, crafted by #Queen Cleopatra herself seemed like the perfect option.

To keep within my sustainable lifestyle, I knew that I needed to source the bees locally and ethically so I paid a visit to the National Beekeepers Association. There I talked with Sally Bobally, Queen Bee (keeper?):

Author: So can you describe the intimate connection bees can help form?

Sally Bobally: I’m not sure if I would use the word intimate. Sure, you form a level of trust and appreciation with the bees but I can’t say that-

A: Awesome! How long can a group of bees survive packed in a jar? With holes of course. Also, can you tell me the average amount of vibration they give off in this cluster?

SB: I don’t think I can answer that as that seems a bit unethical to me. Why would you ask that? Unless… are you making a bee vibrator? You seriously can’t do that. Not only is it unethical, it’s just weird. 

Admittedly, I was taken aback by Bobally’s discouragement. I thought beekeepers were supposed to love bees. But then I reminded myself that even beekeepers are a part of the establishment that wants to keep feeding you the medicine that keeps you sick. 

After gathering my bees in a jar, I locked myself in my room for a couple of hours. To provide some ambience, I decorated my room with blooming flowers and put “Beez in Da Trap” by Queen Nicki on in the background. At first, it was quite the buzz! But short after, it became quite boring since the bees only vibrated on one setting. These hours were mediocre and unsatisfactory. 

Quite honestly, even hooking up with Quintus from Whole Foods would have been more pleasing. I thought maybe loosening the jar lid would cause a different vibration pattern but when I did the bees began to pour out, swarming me and stinging every inch of my body (but mostly my vagina). 

As I write this, I am currently in a hospital resting after going into severe anaphylactic shock. The bee jar vibrator might have worked for my favorite #girlboss Cleopatra but I’m no royalty. Out of 10 steps closer to nirvana, I have to give this experience 2 out of 10 steps closer to Nirvana.

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