I will not be the first nor the last to say it, but the sight of two freshman locking hands in the Warren Dining hall is an assault on the eyes. I do not want to sound bitter… But I mean… come on! It’s offensive enough to be in a relationship your freshman year of college and add on the pandemic… phew. 

I suppose I should praise these people who found love in the most hopeless of places: Warren Towers. However, this impressive feat does not negate that this is an act of terrorism and I have five reasons to prove it. 

1. No One Wants To See That

Respectfully, yuck. If we wanted to see two 19 year olds in y2k outfits holding hands then we would turn on One Tree Hill.

2. Another Unneeded Reminder I Am Single

I do not need to see any more reminders of my singleness as I grab my slice of pizza from the dining hall in my sweatpants. It’s like the Patient Connect reminders I get three times a day… I see it, I perceive it, I process it, I do not need it.

3. Be Humble. Please.

No one likes a boastful winner. We get it!! You won! You found happiness in the infancy of your college experience. Good for you. Guess what makes me happy nowadays???? Eating Cheez-itz and rewatching Big Time Rush but you don’t see me doing it in the middle of the Warren Towers lobby!

4. Solidarity

Honestly, it is the equivalent to being spit on. You could have taken the vow of abstinence in solidarity with your brothers and sisters, but you were simply too horny. This pandemic was the ultimate No Nut Challenge of all time, and you failed. 

5. I Don’t Like It

One of my resolutions this year was to rid myself of negative energy. I got the crystals and everything. Couples displaying their love to the world ranks fairly high on the list of things I dislike, like right behind Lea Michele and the concept of LinkedIn. 

If anything this pandemic has been a vortex of pain, suffering, and agony, so if people have made it out of the ashes and found some kind of light… good for them. But, they should really keep it to themselves before I report them to the Geneva Convention. 

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