CAS—Guys, sources indicate that it’s been like a week since that Evergreen Student has been to class. Now we’re not reporting anything here, but the late-70s woman is usually in the third row of Philosophy every day and she has not been around in a while.

“I think I saw her Tuesday, I mean, I don’t really keep track of her, but I feel like she was there,” said classmate Jake Saffran (CAS ‘18). “She’s fine, she’s definitely fine.”

“Wait, she was definitely there Thursday, I remember her telling me about ‘the war’” suggested Maddie Donovan (COM ’19), another classmate. “No wait, that was last Thursday,” she added. “Oh no.”

Attempts to reach the student have been unsuccessful, and many are beginning to fear the worst. But we’re sure it’s nothing to worry about. She’s probably just a little sick.

“She’s probably just a little sick,” Saffran reassured himself.

“No I can’t get a hold of her,” said her professor, Dr. Clifford Petermann. “She doesn’t have an email address and she doesn’t have a cell phone. I always have to fax her graded assignments to her.

“I guess I do have her fax number, but I feel like you can’t call that,” the young Doctor added.

At press time, we saw someone on Commonwealth Avenue that looks a lot like her, but we’re not really sure. It’s probably her. She’s probably fine. Oh, god. No guys, she’s definitely fine.

Leave a Reply