Rage; the first thing I felt when Tony, the security guard at Warren Towers, cock-blocked me. 

Being an English major, I was shocked when the girl from my Greek Tragedy class, Helen, asked me if I wanted to “link” last week. I thought I was cursed to be a virgin forever, but alas–the gods have smiled down upon me!

There was only one small issue: Helen lived in a faraway land: Warren Towers. I considered stealing her away to my apartment off-campus, but she was concerned her boyfriend, Ben Eleus, would be suspicious where she’d gone. Therefore, it was determined that I must storm the gates at Warren.

Being an English major (in case you forgot already), I turned to literature to answer my troubles. How would I enter Warren without being a campus resident? 

Easy. Trojan Horse. There’s no other way!

Although I had wood, it unfortunately wasn’t big enough to do what Helen needed it to do…create a horse to get me into Warren! Therefore, I took a modern take on the old epic…

With the help of a squad of freshmen I promised eternal fame and glory, I transformed my very being into the most delectable McDonald’s order any ravenous college student had ever seen! Who doesn’t love a “ten piece nugget meal with sprite, honey mustard sauce, and a Big Mac with no pickle?”

Apparently Tony. As my military of eight freshmen attempted to drag me and my disguise through the card swipe gates, Tony silently raised a hand and perked an eyebrow.

Immediately I began to sweat buckets–any wrong move and my cover would clearly be blown. Tony’s scrutinizing gaze, peering out from behind his magazine, screamed, “you’re not getting through these gates!” 

He leans over and says something to the other guard: “another virgin trying to sneak in,” I think he said? Shit! My impenetrable plot foiled! 

Just as I readied myself to remove myself from the colossal McDonald’s bag, Tony took one last glance at my costume, shrugged lazily, and nodded as the freshmen hesitantly swiped in and dragged me through the gate. 

I KNEW the plan was flawless; Victory was finally mine!

Then, I witness something I’d never recover from: my dear, my love, Helen, walking towards her dorm with the international student from Paris!

Immediately I called after her, but my disguise was too good. She simply saw me, went, “Mmm, McDonalds! We should get some later ;)” and left me to wallow in despair and sorrow.

 I undoubtedly will never recover from the war Helen has sparked in my soul. Alas, now I will be forever in despair! Oh, cruel world! At least the journey home should be easy, right?

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