Michael Beller, who is clearly a virgin, was spotted last Sunday taking an STD test down at BU Student Health Services. Analysts report that there would be no need for a virgin to take an STD test, leading many to believe that this is one of Beller’s usual schemes to become a “cool dude” and “fit in” with his peers.

This assumption was further substantiated by reports that in the hours leading up to the test, Michael loudly exclaimed to at least thirty different people, “I gotta take this STD test later!”

The Bunion’s Resident Sound Physicist recorded that Michael was shouting at at least 60 Phons, otherwise known 60 db at 1000 Hz, or if you really wanna be that guy, 4 Sones. Point is, he wanted people to hear.

Anonymous Health Service nurse, Judy Elaine Brigsby, 85, who has secretly sent The Bunion student health records for the past sixty years, giddily reported that Michael faked a prayer before peeing into his cup. Judy then perfectly chimed in “he should be praying for some sex” once again, solidifying herself as the campus jokester and bonafide Betty White of the school.

After the test, Michael’s charade did not end, as he proceeded to call various fake girlfriends, telling them, “You’re all good, babe” and hilariously riffing on Seinfeld by saying, “No AIDS for you!”

While this devious trickster has been caught, is it not society that is the devious one, tricking young males into thinking they must have sex? I encourage you all to really think about it.

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