CENTRAL CAMPUS—Reports indicate that the recent increase in tuition at Boston University is directly correlated with the 99.99% increase in the number of students who can no longer pay for tuition.

The university has prided itself on this statistic, given that it is the smallest increase in the number of students who are unable to pay for tuition in 20 years, compared to the annual average of 100%.

“We are so excited to announce that at least 65.12 students of the 16,512 undergraduates that are currently enrolled at BU,” said financial administrator Carol Nichols. “Although that number could be off by about 65, give or take. Probably take.”

When questioned about the .12 of a person that was referred to in this statement, Nichols referred to student Theodore Bringsly III, whom many agree is “more money than man.”

“We knew that the lowered 3.4 average increase in tuition would bring marvelous results,” said Carol. “But we could have never guessed it would be this profound.”

The tuition that these 65.12 students will be paying will support the entire school’s electric, gas, and luxury dinners for the administration.

At press time, administrators were hoping to change the number of students who cannot pay for tuition by 99.98%, so that they can bring plastic cups back to the GSU once and for all.


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