Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)

Ethan is a junior from Bethel, CT studying Film & Television and Environmental Analysis & Policy.

NORTHEASTERN—In an effort to try to assert themselves over Boston College as BU’s rival, Northeastern’s satire publication, creatively named The Husky Husky, just broke news that Northeastern would be paving over BU’s campus. While The Husky Husky claimed the act was a precaution against COVID-19, inside reports now uncovered by The Bunion find that Northeastern was only trying to become the best satire publication in Boston.

“As you’re all aware, it’s been really challenging to attract top satirical writing talent given our lenient acceptance rate and inability to ride the T to Kenmore square without taking the E line to Arlington and then transferring,” wrote an editor of The Husky Husky in a now-leaked internal email. “Since it’s impossible to surpass The Bunion on actual satirical writing skill given that we’re not actually sure what satire is, I’ve come to the realization that the only way to beat The Bunion and become Boston’s best satire publication is to take them out.”

Given that Northeastern students do not have the mental capability to name a satire publication anything more than their mascot twice, let alone forge a cyberattack, The Husky Husky turned to Northeastern’s President Aoun with an unprecedented request: pave over BU’s campus, and in doing so, eliminate the one satire publication they had no hope of ever surpassing.

“I was surprised by the request at first, given that Northeastern has been so successful at copying BU in the past, from dog mascots to changing my last name to Aoun to rhyme with Brown,” wrote Aoun in another leaked email, presumably leaked due to Northeastern’s IT staff being two sloths and a grizzly bear locked in a room with a typewriter. “But after reading my seventh article about King Husky in a row, I learned that my students don’t know the difference between satire and bad writing. I tried giving them a co-op so they’d leave me alone for a year, but after they said they didn’t have the qualifications to actually get a co-op, I ok-ed the plan.”

While The Husky Husky anticipated BU to be distraught by the news, they were surprised to find BU taking it in stride. “Who? Oh, is that one of the little Fenway schools?” asked President Brown of BU. “I was actually planning to pave over BU myself to incentivize more students to stay home and social distance, so this saves us a lot of money. I guess we can hire back the workers we had to lay off and have money to spare to lower next year’s tuition costs!”

At press time, The New England Classic and The Harvard Lampoon commented that they’re disappointed The Husky Husky wasn’t threatened by them in the same way as they were by The Bunion, but would be releasing a full statement as soon as one of their writers thought of something funny.

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