By: Bridget Fekety
BOSTON UNIVERSITY CAMPUS- What could be sweeter than some sweet, sweet cash? Although that’s a common thought for the board of Boston University, its presence was stronger than ever as they signed a contract with Mars Inc, surrendering the entire educational institution to the mercy of rich, white men.
In other words, not much has changed. However, Mars Inc. did declare that Nickerson field, among other parts of BU’s campus, would be required to “undergo some improvements” to meet the standards for their new BU.
The modification of Nickerson–uprooting the entire pre-existing turf and replacing it with “nutty nougat, paired with succulent caramel ribbons, crunchy peanuts, and irresistible chocolate”–caused some marginal uproar amongst students.
“This is outrageous! The administration claims the contract was ‘simply too sweet’ to pass up, but honestly I think they just needed funding after that kid choked on a Snickers in the dining hall,” commented one student.
“Yeah,” agreed another. “And the field isn’t even functional anymore! It becomes a swamp of chocolate mess when it’s warm, and half the soccer team can’t even play anymore due to a peanut allergy!” The administration, however, doesn’t seem to feel similarly.
“We’ve had some issues already with drunk students trying to eat the field,” Dean Elmore regretted to inform us, “but all-in-all, the transformation of Nickerson into Snickerson is an improvement.”
Riots broke out when the administration began requiring Questrom students to manage and advertise the field. The business students, furious, complained that they “actually have to do work now,” and protested by holding Hershey Bar Bake Sales in the GSU (Glucose Sugar Union). Any plans to cease construction on Snickerson, however, are currently non-existent.
Then again, not everyone was quite so unhappy with the changes made to BU. President Brown was reportedly heard saying, “I’m President Green now, baby!” and seen skipping happily towards Mars Chapel.
In other words, the administration’s final address towards student outbursts was a simple, yet sweet one:
“You know what they say,” President Green began. “You’re not yourself without a snickers!”