It’s that time of year that America worships: football time. I’m a mildly attractive, mostly straight woman, and here are the NFL mascots I think I’d have a shot with.
1. sir purr – carolina panthers
Sir Purr would definitely take me to a disco and we’d dance to Prince and Donna Summer. He seems a little too smooth though, I might feel like he was dating me for a prank. Also, I’m allergic to cats.
2. ROWDY – DALLAS COWBOYS
Rowdy looks like he takes the term “don’t mess with Texas” seriously, which scares me but is also kind of hot. He’s an average looking guy but definitely open carries, which does knock him a few pegs down in the dating scene because, well, yikes. Anyway, I think he would call me to see you next Tuesday but like, in a fun way.
3. KC WOLF – KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
I must have seen KC on bumble already, because he looks like your average male COM student. He would make me think he’s not like other guys and then gaslight me. I still could probably attract him at a house party in Allston and maybe he’d even buy me a vegan hot dog.
4. VIKTOR – MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Now I know why Lizzo was singing about the Minnesota Vikings! As a fellow large and in charge woman, I think I’m probably Viktor’s type. In Minnesota it’s cold, and I’m sure those long luscious braids would warm me right up.
5. BOLT MAN – LOS ANGELES CHARGERS
Ok so honestly… Bolt Man terrifies me. But in 2021, I told myself I’d be more adventurous. I think he would see me trying (and not succeeding) to surf in Los Angeles and would be charmed by my “not like other girls” manic pixie dream girl aesthetic. He does have big Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 500 Days of Summer vibes tbh.
6. CAPTAIN FEAR – TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Ok I know he’s the star of the show on Sunday, but if I was in the audience I’m SURE we’d lock eyes and he’d take me to Red Lobster. I’m not a big seafood girl but I would make an exception for this blue-eyed beauty.
7. SWOOP – PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
Swoop and I are both Philadelphia scum, attracting him to me instantly. We would talk about where to get the best cheesesteaks and crack jokes from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and with my bruh girl charm, he’d be mine instantly.
8. BIG REG – ARIZONA CARDINALS
Big Red is a ginger, which is an automatic advantage for me, since not many other girls like that. Lucky for him, I had a Joe Kennedy phase freshman year, so I’m into it. Also, I think I would look really hot in his jersey, red’s my color.