Daniel Kool

Daniel Kool is a Freshman from Minnesota studying Journalism. He plays the banjo but hopes you won’t judge him for it.

Students who hate wasting time and love washing clothes will be pleased to know that all washing-machines across campus have been modified to shred everything left inside 10 minutes after the rinse cycle.

Machines’ exposed, steel blades will serve as a warning for students who missed the announcement.

“It’s just a matter of holding the student body accountable,” said Rin Sickle, president of the Department of Laundry Affairs and Employee Health Insurance. “These kids need to learn that their actions occasionally – often even – have consequences.”

Sickle noted that the new measure would help troubled, suburban students adjust to living on their own in a high stress environment.

“For a lot of folks, laundry was just something that happened growing up,” Sickle said. “Something the maid would do in between raising you and your sister and having no-kids-allowed wrestling matches with your dad while mom was at work.”

Sickle, distraught by some new revelation, declined to continue being interviewed. But his enthusiasm is far from unmatched.

According to a survey by The Bunion, 100% of BU students* say the new machines are an unconditional good.

Thelma Meyer (QST ’22) said she was glad to see the administration stepping up to address “the laundry room real estate crisis” – although she said the nearly perfect design could use some improvements.

“I just wish they gave you some warning before the blades start spinning,” Meyer said, rewrapping her gauze.

In a statement, Laundry Affairs added that the time-limits are “just the first cycle” in a series of sweeping regulations.

“If students continue to lollygag before picking up their clothes, we will be forced to hire a team of highly trained Enforcers, capable of tracking careless washers down,” the statement read. “Getting all that blood out of your shirt will be the least of your worries.”

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*sample size = 4

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