BOSTON- As Massachusetts’s vaccine rollout continues to cause controversy, Boston University Pre-Medical Track students have developed a plan to streamline the process: kiss the ring to get the shot. 

“It was a simple decision, really,” said Steph Ascope (CAS ’21), the chair of the Pre-Medical Track Booster Club, which developed the guidelines. “As the future of the medical field, it’s only fair that people who need a vaccine–a form of medicine–be well-educated about us.”

The plan states that in addition to being 75 years old or older, Massachusetts state residents are required to name five students at a Boston-area college on a pre-medical undergraduate track in order to get a vaccine. Boston College is not included on the eligibility list, as it is not in Boston, and also sucks.

Area residents had mixed reactions to the proposed plan.

“This feels like it’s pretty stupid,” commented Charles Pugsley, 69, of New Bedford. “But at this point, I’m willing to try anything. How do I find these kids? Look for the little rascals buying single loose Adderalls and boo-hooing into Org Chem notes?”

The BU community, on the other hand, has welcomed the plan with open arms.

“Taking a leaf out of our book, I see,” said Finn Eebone (CAS ’22), president of the Alpha Ligma Sigma fraternity. “We’ve been using that trick for years. Although I’m a little surprised pre-meds even know what a frat party is. They go a little too hard for our taste. Moderation is key, you know?”

At press time, the Massachusetts state government is in the process of approving the plan. Governor Charlie Baker is reported as saying “fuck it, it’s as good as we’ve gotten so far.”

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