Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
Daniel Kool

Daniel Kool is a Freshman from Minnesota studying Journalism. He plays the banjo but hopes you won’t judge him for it.

GEORGE SHERMAN UNION – The Terrier Card Office announced today that, starting Fall 2020, it will be offering luxury Terrier Black cards to students receiving zero financial assistance.

The new cards will signal to security guards and dining-hall gatekeepers that particular students are of “high priority,” according to the Office’s press release.

In addition to pure status, Terrier Black (pronounced: like “Perrier” brand water) will be granted early entrance to busy lecture halls; additional time on selected exams, including finals; exclusive access to new, private dining-halls; and a signing bonus of 2,500 convenience points, “to stimulate the campus economy.”

Although the announcement was met with controversy, administrators urged skeptical students to “think about the money. Don’t fuck this up for us.”

Other students were thrilled.

“It’s just nice to finally get some recognition,” said Holden Stanwick (CAS ’21), whose father bought him a spot on the varsity lacrosse team in 2017. “It’s been crushing having my friends try to ignore our income differences, like I haven’t earned some clout. It just feels really good to have a win like this.”

The cards will be made of a novel black-platinum – a new alloy synthesized by the Chemistry Department with the sole intention of being more expensive than gold.

“We wanted something totally unique, something that would stand out,” said Mary Schwab, the project’s Head of Marketing. She added that the new cards will be the first university IDs in the country not to feature photographs, as “you should already know who these students are.”

“It’s just our little way of saying thanks to some of our favorite clients – or students, I should say,” said President Brown. “I know a lot of our premier students feel ostracized by all these mandatory campus-inclusivity efforts. And, with how difficult the transition to college can be, I think a little extra class-rigidity may just provide the structure and stability they need to thrive.”

“Plus,” he added, “if a shiny piece of metal will help students decide not to accept aid – well, that’s just good for our budget.

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