MYLES STANDISH HALL—While it has long been accepted that commuters and pedestrians dislike people on bikes and that bikers hate everyone else on the road, a new study from BUPPS, the Boston University Pedaling Psychology Society, has confirmed that bikers also hate themselves.

“I’d say it’s very true,” said Megan Rooney (CAS ’14) as she locked up her two-wheeled hatred machine in the basement of her residence hall. “Every time I have to swerve into traffic to avoid a vehicle parked in the bike lane, I just shake my head and think what a crappy person I am.”

BUPPS claims that the general feeling of hatred that bikers feel towards themselves on BU campus is also caused by the fact that no one wants to share the road with them. “I don’t see why these stupid bikers can’t stay on the street. You don’t see anybody running in the bike lane,” said Harris Park (COM ’16) on his way to class.

“Sidewalks are made for bikers; I hate them on my road,” said Louis Trent, a commuter from western Massachusetts who had just gotten into a car accident.

“One time, this student almost hit me with her car and then she made a nasty face at me,” said Rooney, who still felt a general feeling of self-loathing inside of her even though she wasn’t currently riding her bike. “She doesn’t know that her expression of hatred is the one I make at my own reflection every morning.”

BU Student Health Services suggests that bikers who are feeling unloved should visit the psychiatrists of their Behavioral Science staff. “Yeah, send them to us. We haven’t had a chance to tell them how much we hate them yet,” said Andrei Thompson, a psychiatrist on staff.“

“I guess I deserve this,” said Rooney.

At press time, Rooney was shopping online for bike seats that were less comfortable than the one she already owned.

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