THE PIER — Yesterday 900 students attempted to conquer the Seven Seas on a rum-and-coke-filled ocean adventure. Sorority girls from all over put on their ironic captain’s hats and hopped into 60 dollar Ubers to east Boston for a chance to finally make out with that one guy from their Questrom class. But once students started to arrive, a tragedy struck. One so severe many are calling it the worst boat-related disaster since the Titanic.

First one fake ID was confiscated, then another. Bouncers, who weren’t born yesterday, could recognize a fake ID from a mile away and weren’t letting in any underage ragers (underragers). Said McLovin (whose real name is Jeremy) (QST ‘23), “I swear I’m from New Jersey. I just forget my address, it happens all the time. I have amnesia and the only cure is drinking Natty Light on the water. Please let me on!”

The bouncers were relentless. How could the black box be wrong? How could so many students who claim to be from Connecticut not be wearing salmon-colored shorts? How could a sticky note reading ‘I’m 21, trust me’ be a real ID?

Students tried everything to get on the boat. One student tried just running through the bouncers, forgetting they were a 114-pound freshman boy. Many tried to swim, but the Kraken that lives at the bottom of the harbor snagged them. RIP to 10 Lindseys and 17 Ryans, a White Claw will be poured out in their honor.

In the end, the 900 students who bought tickets ended up being 150 seniors who were actually of age. Said the seniors “Mwahahaha, this was our plan all along, suck it.”

Watch out for Allston rats and frat boys, most of these creatures have now been infected with Covid-19, chlamydia or the plague, all diseases that use boats to spread them.

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