To all the Chads and Brads out there, I know how disappointed you must be thinking there will be no frat parties this fall. How else will you smash that hottie from your chem class if you’re not both blacked out in a basement? Never fear, with these new, Official Frat House Rules in the Time of Corona, you can be sure to have your littest (and safest) year yet: 

1. Check people out before they come through the door: no girls above 99 degrees or below a 6

2. Only drink 95 proof alcohol or above (we recommend Everclear) to kill both germs and your memory

3. When it comes to hooking up, remember this simple rhyme: 

If she wants to make out, mask on no doubt 

If she’s sucking your dick, it’s ok to get sick

4. Only share vapes with people you know are Covid-free (unless it’s a freshman willing to pay 5 bucks a rip)

5. Sing Drake’s verse in SICKO MODE while washing your hands

6. Don’t cancel that spring break trip to Mykonos: it will make your immune system stronger #nodaysoff #grindszn

7. Do that line of coke: it actually makes it easier to put a Q-tip up your nose to test for Covid

8. If you have a fever, cough, shortness of breath, headache, loss of smell or a sore throat, that’s just a bad hangover and nothing Pedialyte can’t fix

9. The only doctor you need is Pepper, as a chaser

10. To avoid sharing saliva particles, butt chugging is encouraged

11. We are taking a stand against antibodies (the more bodies each brother has, the better)

12. Flatten the curve: only hook up with skinny girls

13. Replace all respirators with hookahs

14. Don’t forget to support your local dealer (he is an essential business)

15. Practice social distancing from the frat by getting a girlfriend

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