9/14/09 8:54:29 AM -- Boston, Massachusetts Students walking from FitRec to CFA. Views of campus are photographed. Photo by Kalman Zabarsky for Boston University Photography

STUDENT HEALTH—Student Health Services officials have recently confirmed that Boston University’s new insurance policy does not cover broken dreams.

“I just switched my major to contemporary dance,” complained Eric Connors (CFA ’15.) “What if I suck? I told my parents that the BU insurance would cover any shattered hopes and help me pick up the pieces.”

Film and TV major John Richards (COM ’16) is equally concerned about his health insurance premiums. “What if my screenplay never sells?” he asked, while printing out a script for his sitcom about a twenty-something trying to make it in New York. “I assumed that a few months of finding myself as an artist would be included in these ridiculous insurance prices.”

Mitzi Kane, the Care Coordinator for SHS, wants to clarify that although Student Health cannot help rectify poor career choices, Boston University does encourage its students to take chances during their time in college.

“As I like to say, take risks in everything but sexual intercourse,” Kane joked while administering a flu shot.

“We cover STI screenings, physicals, and basic therapy,” explained Margaret Ross, the head of Behavioral Counseling.

“Unfortunately, we cannot pay for the devastating damage done to a student’s psyche when they discover that they can’t pay their bills writing poetry.”

“This is terribly upsetting to hear. I should write a song about this,” said Alex Messner (CFA ‘15).

At press time, multiple students were seen standing around in the GSU attempting to figure out if their broken dreams were trash or compost.

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