NEW BALANCE FIELD—Sources have confirmed in a recent report that in the beginning of Fall 2016, “New Balance Field” will officially be renamed, “Balance Field.”

“We thought about the name critically for a while,” stated Assistant Director of Boston University Facilities, Management, and Planning (BUFM&P) Grady Carder. “We realized there really isn’t an honest part of the name at all anymore. The field is not new, it has nothing to do with balance, mostly just field hockey, and it’s not even a field, it’s a layer of AstroTurf.”

Carter continues, “To respond to those discrepancies, at first we were thinking about being as honest as possible and naming it something like ‘Place Where Some People Play Sports On Synthetic Fibers, That Was Added Semi-Recently’ but that didn’t fit on a sign and PWSPPSOSFTWASR didn’t really spell anything as an acronym so we scrapped that early on and decided to compromise and just take away the ‘New.’”

The name change was greeted with an overall negative reception from Boston University students that BUFM&P insists is a temporary response to the idea of change and not the change itself.

“The wrong field got changed,” angrily stated Gabe Dwip (CFA ’17). “By changing ‘Nickerson Field’ to ‘Balance Field’ we could’ve addressed everyone’s confusion in a more efficient way and spared ‘New Balance’ the identity struggle that comes with a name change this early in a field’s lifetime!”

“Just because New Balance Field isn’t technically ‘new’ anymore doesn’t mean we have to publicly name-shame it!” explained Gabby Sullivan (COM ’18). “Age is not about a number, it’s about spirit. New Balance Field is spry and youthful and deserves to be known and remembered for that!”

At press time, Carder was seen pitching to the Boston University Board of Trustees that Marsh Plaza either change its name to “Flat Area With a Statue That Some People Walk Through During Their Day” or “Marsh Square.”

Leave a Reply