FENWAY—The sun rises on another day in Boston, Massachusetts, where a mysterious big red triangle appears to be hovering in the sky with its looming presence.

“Every day. Every day I wake up, and I open my window shades and there it is, just glowing at me like it wants something from me,” said Gregory Fischbaum (ENG ’17). “WHAT DOES IT WANT FROM ME.”

Student conspiracy theorists have linked the giant red triangle to the deaths of JFK, Humphrey Bogart and Paul McCartney. The group has yet to trace evidence of the triangle leading to the Illuminati or to receive any funding from SAO.

“Boston University keeps referring to this triangle as a ‘landmark’,” said Darcy Morin (CAS ’16), vice president of the conspiracy theorists club. “People use it to give directions, they site it as an ancient and important part of Boston’s skyline. But don’t you think that’s what it wants you to think?”

Administration will be tracking weather patterns to see how this Triangle affects our environment. So far they’ve deducted that around September it starts to get chilly, in December it gets severely cold, and then in April it arms up again, only to cause blistering heat and humidity in July. These patterns are consistent and caused by the triangle in the sky.

At press time, Student Health Services was offering free counseling services for any students who feel they are being harassed by the giant red triangle in the sky.

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