Photoshopped by Lauren Kelmar (COM '21).
Ashley Vitarelli (COM '22)

Ashley is a junior from Connecticut studying Film and Television. She hopes to one day join the circus. Cirque du Soleil is preferable, but she is not picky.

GAME ONE:

1: Kylie and Tyga’s entire relationship. Although this couple is no more, they’re a strong first seed with a deep bench nonetheless. Scouting reports are impressed (disgusted) with the fact that the couple allegedly started dating back when Kylie was a mere 16 year old child. That would mean that Tyga was 24 at the time, and fresh off a split from his ex-fiancée, Blac Chyna, who also happens to be the mother of Tyga’s son and the mother of Kylie’s niece, Dream. Hm, sounds more like a nightmare to me. Their journey to the Elite Eight has been interesting, with their toughest game being an intense match-up in the Sweet Sixteen against Kylie’s wheelchair photoshoot for Interview Magazine. 

VS:

8: Tristan Thompson cheats on Khloé just days before she gives birth to baby True. A strong competitor with a lot to prove. Emotions were running high in their overtime win against Kylie’s lip fillers as allegations were coming out that the referee was cheating, but as this team has demonstrated time and time again, they are okay with that!

Kylie and Tyga advance. Not even that good of a game. Stormi leads the team in defensive rebounds. 

GAME TWO:

4: Kendall’s Pepsi ad. This one-membered team is literally unstoppable, especially when drinking their sponsor’s product. As they always say, there is nothing that a little Pepsi can’t fix! 

VS:

5: Khloé having a TV show on her app called Khlo-C-D. This team is very problematic. Seriously, nobody thought this name was a bad idea? Their Sweet Sixteen game against Kim losing her diamond earring in the ocean almost caused this team the tournament, but it didn’t. 

Kendall’s Pepsi ad advances. Kendall attempts to throw the game because she wants people to forget this whole thing ever happened, but to no avail. Pepsi is in the Final Four baby!

GAME THREE:

3: Tristan Thompson cheats on Khloé (again) with Kylie’s ex-bestie Jordyn Woods. Things like this simply can not be written, which is why team manager Kris Jenner is in talks for winning Writer/Coach of the Year. Unfortunately, lead scorer Jordyn was kicked off the team following this game and was replaced by her substitute Stassie Baby. 

VS:

6: Rob and Blac Chyna’s Social Media War. This team is simply too strong for their own good. The Instagram war betwixt the teammates and subsequent restraining orders mean that this team has some major chemistry issues that they need to address. Had Kim’s sex tape not been disqualified in the Sweet Sixteen on a technicality, they likely would not even be here. 

Tristan and Jordyn advance. Does Tristan have an advantage because he is a basketball player? Probably. But you know what they say, once a basketball player, always a basketball player. Oh wait, that’s for cheaters… actually both apply. 

GAME FOUR:

2: Kim, Kanye, Taylor Swift, and PhoneGate. This is one for the ages. Where were you when Kim leaked the Snapchat videos of Kanye and Taylor’s phone convo? Iconic. Due to the sheer amount of talent on this roster, this team gets the coveted second seed. 

VS:

7: Kris Jenner tweeting the hashtags #BeTheChange #ChangeTheConversation and #FinallyASolution in reference to Kendall’s Proactiv sponsorship. Another fierce competitor. Bonus points to the team’s publicity department for using some definitely appropriate and tonally accurate hashtags. You can watch this team perform in the Elite Eight but only if you’re ready to #BeTheChange. 

UPSET ALERT: Kris Jenner and her hashtags prevail over PhoneGate and prove that there really is #FinallyASolution! 

FINAL FOUR:

GAME ONE:

1: Kylie and Tyga’s entire relationship.

VS:

4: Kendall’s Pepsi ad.

Sister vs. sister vs. soda. Kylie and Tyga win against Kendall’s Pepsi ad. It’s a close game, but Kylie gives a complimentary Kylie Cosmetics PR box to the referee and in return they get some bonus free throws. Stormi sinks them all.  

GAME TWO:

2: Kim, Kanye, Taylor Swift, and PhoneGate.

VS:

3: Tristan Thompson cheats on Khloé (again) with Kylie’s ex-bestie Jordyn Woods.

Tristan and ex-bestie Jordyn beat PhoneGate! It turns out that Stassie Baby is like REALLY good at basketball? Following the game, Taylor requests to be removed from this narrative. 

CHAMPIONSHIP:

1: Kylie and Tyga’s entire relationship.

VS:

3: Tristan Thompson cheats on Khloé (again) with Kylie’s ex-bestie Jordyn Woods.

Tristan and ex-bestie Jordyn win it all! Tristan says it’s ring chasing season and Khloé gets excited for a proposal. In actuality, he was just talking about winning the game. 

Kourtney supports her family from the sidelines, proud of herself for not being in this bracket at all. Rest assured, there’s always next year, and considering how you’re friends with Addison Rae, we will almost certainly see you on the courts next year, Kourt! 

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