Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)

Maddy Schmidt is a senior from New Jersey studying Film & TV. She is a Wii bowling prodigy and is blocked on twitter by Drake Bell (Campana).

Hi LinkedIn!

I am thrilled to give you a little update on what I’ve been up to at my internship so far this semester! 

Obviously competition is steep when it comes to internships, but after thousands of applications and millions of interviews, I was honored to be selected to intern with some of the most influential figures in America today: the birds who work for the bourgeoisie.

If you’re not familiar, the birds have been doing important and influential work for this country since 1986, when Reagan instated the first birds task force. I am so honored to have the opportunity to learn more about the avian surveillance industry. 

One of my main tasks is combing through the data that the birds collect throughout the week. It’s a lot of spreadsheets and crunching numbers, but it’s always a fun highlight when I come across the personal information of someone I know. My mom laughed so hard when I told her I found her PIN number at my internship and had to sell it to Cambridge Analytica! 

Of course, like any internship, there’s a lot of busy work to be done. I’m often sent out into town to get groceries for the office, and swap out the birds’ batteries without anyone noticing. I’ve also had to do some troubleshooting, like when the birds unexpectedly stop shitting on the cars of the proletariat. 

I’ve also had the privilege of contributing a few ideas of my own: I pitched a project that involved programming pigeons to peck the eyes out of the poors on the street. The birds and the bourgeoisie absolutely loved it, and will be implementing it next quarter.

Finally, I am so grateful to my mentor, the forerunner of avian surveillance: Big Bird. I’m so lucky to be working with such an iconic boss and supportive team. 

I am so excited to graduate and formally enter the industry. In the wise words of my mentor: “Never refer to me as an item. I’m a bird.” Hint hint, wink wink!

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