MUGAR LIBRARY—Earlier today Boston University announced that it allocated one million dollars toward 100 new paintings for the Mugar Memorial Library.

As has been customary of Mugar for the past forty years, these paintings must adhere to two basic precedents: One, they must all depict old men, and two, those old men need to be wearing robes.

“Yes, to fit all the paintings, we are going to have to get rid of a good amount of books, but books are a such a relic of the past! Paintings old men in robes though, now that is the vibes of the future!” said Jimmy D, Mugar’s coolest librarian.

Student reactions to the new paintings have been overwhelmingly positive as well.

“After searching for hours, I found a small corner of the library where one of these paintings is not staring deeply into my soul,” said Samantha Biggs (CSA, 16). “And I just find that unacceptable! I love the attention. We need at least  100 more! The things I contemplated while in that corner…they were horrible…”

Reports indicate that thievery, murder and masturbatory practices decrease in Mugar by 4 percent every time a new painting of an old man in a robe is installed. Flint says that this new shipment will decrease all three actions by 400 percent, ultimately saving the school billions of dollars.

It was later reported that these billions will be spent on, you guessed it, more paintings of old men in robes. “The goal is to cover every wall,” said Jimmy D. “That way, nothing bad can happen to Mugar. Ever.”

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