MUGAR LIBRARY—Sources report that Mugar head librarian, Chauncy Newton, responded to a fire alarm that was set off on Thursday afternoon by loudly shushing it away before students could respond appropriately.

“The library is no place for blaring noises and flashing lights,” stated assistant librarian Linda Faulkner. “If Chauncy senses danger, he springs into action, but if a scene fit for the clubs breaks out within his fortress of knowledge he isolates the distraction.”

This is not the only instance that Newton may have prioritized his “librarian intuition” above the safety of students in the library. Newton’s devotion to the library is becoming a concern for the University.

“I was detained in one of those barred cubicles on the fourth floor while Chauncy accused me of writing in the margin of a copy of “The Hunt for Red October’,” reported Christine Hines (SHA ’17). “He didn’t release me until I wrote him an essay about why it’s not okay to vandalize the library and I learned nothing from the experience!”

“I understand that the rule is no food or drink, now I’m not saying that students should be allowed to pull out a shushirito, and start macking away in front of everyone, but Chauncy confiscated a mint from me,” stated London Funder (CGS ’20). “It was still in my mouth! He made me spit it into a bucket and drop the bucket down a well.”

“He drove me to Plymouth cause that’s where the closest well is. He didn’t even let me eat in the car because he said, ‘A library has no limits except text and inspiration thus a car is a road library,” continued Funder.

“Chauncy may be old fashioned,” stated BUPD officer Randi Reinder, “But he gets results. Under Chauncy’s reign as head librarian the library has still managed to be a library in the twenty first century which seems impressive to me.”

At press time, Newton was seen shushing the sirens of a police car driving on Comm Ave as it drove past the library.

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