MORSE AUDITORIUM—Wowee! Last night, during a live broadcast, President Brown attempted to weigh in on his long-anticipated decision to consume and digest the entire Charles River campus. However, a mix-up in his cue cards lead hopeful students to believe that he was announcing a divestment of BU’s funding from fossil fuel interests.

“As soon as it happened, I was so surprised and overjoyed!” said Tania Gonzalez, president of BU’s Environmental Club. “Then, well—you know what happened.”

Brown’s communication staff hurriedly flipped the cue card over during his speech, revealing the correct side—a picture of him sliding the Photonics building down his throat. Staffers were flustered and embarrassed, as expected. President Brown merely stood there, his tummy rumbling as he stood inside one of the very structures he longed to consume.

“The ivy on the side of the building is just too much, it drives me nearly insane with hunger. It’s like a tasty garnish!” commented President Brown to The Bunion.

“I really can’t explain what happened,” says Brown’s speechwriter, Nathan Tang. “As soon as President Brown said that… thing, I knew it couldn’t be the truth. When we flipped that card, and he corrected himself, all was right in the world.”

At press time, President Brown was asked not to speak again, for fear of another mix-up. He was instead given a Warren triple to snack on during the press conference.

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