Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
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Jacob is a Freshman from Easton, Massachusetts. He currently has no major and no life, a true disappointment overall.

POSSIBLY YOUR HOUSE– MIT students have recently been found “hacking” into the homes of Boston University students all across the country, stealing countless home-cooked meals. 

Although the thieves were able to last a while without being detected, that all changed when the mother of Italian American student Tommy Fusilli (CAS ‘21) couldn’t find the pasta she had prepared the night prior. 

“I was yellin at the entire family like ‘who ate the GODDAMN fuckin’ rigatoni,’” said Mrs. Fusilli. “It was dividing our family. I ended up kicking Tommy and my husband out of the house until one of them admitted they did it, but nobody fessed up.”

Finally, Mrs. Fusilli agreed to install a camera in the kitchen to get to the bottom of it. 

The next morning they watched the tape which showed the criminals in crimson hoodies with the letters “MIT” printed obnoxiously large.

The MIT students were later tracked down by an investigative task force of COM students sent by President Brown, who later stated that he “finally found a way to make these kids useful to BU.” 

Through thorough interrogations it was discovered that the operation was quite sophisticated, with around 70 students dispersed around the country.

The main culprit, MIT Senior Jim Portale, said the following in his confession statement.

“After hacking into Marciano I couldn’t stop…I needed that thrill again. It didn’t live up to the hype, though. Marciano has way better pasta.”

Boston University has since put in place measures to prevent this type of action from harming BU families ever again. The facilities team quickly got to work, installing fingerprint scanners at every Boston University student’s home kitchen.

At press time, Boston University officials stated that due to the expensive cost of the touch-ID systems, they will not be refunding a single penny of Spring 2020 tuition.

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