BUPD—A recent study by the BU Alert system has found that as many as “millions of lives” were saved due to the efforts of the BU Alert system this past year.

“The work is challenging for us,” explained BU Alert director Alan Rudolph, “but the numbers truly speak for themselves. Just yesterday we estimated having saved just under 600 lives when we reported an unidentified woman holding a knife near the GSU.”

A later report would confirm that the woman was Amy Graziello (SHA ‘18), a student using it to eat dinner.

“Sometimes it really makes me worry about this world when I think about the dangers we warn these students about,” Rudolph continued, “like last week when we had two completely unrelated reports of armed men on east and west campus. Students were cornered, it was horrifying.”

It was later discovered that only one man was armed with a gun, the other simply had arms.

“But thanks to us we estimate about four hundred thousand lives were saved,” said Rudolph.

“The worst,” said Rudolph, “was when we noticed a shooting star was getting pretty close. That alert ended up being a thirty-part text to all students and faculty explaining the minutia of both astronomy and ducking out of the way, and we believe it could have saved somewhere around 2-3 million lives alone.

At press time, Rudolph was seen saving the lives of nearly every driver alive by screaming about a closed lane near Agganis Arena.

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