Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)
Hannah Petosa (COM '20)

Hannah is a Junior from South Florida studying Film & TV. She has been writing and performing comedy since she was 15.

Man, this school is whack. There’s construction everywhere, grade deflation, and now broken gumball machines. What’s next, expensive tuition?

After my first class on Friday, I went to CAS to take a leak. My interest was peaked as soon as I entered the usual dingy, feces-smelling bathroom on the third floor. Why was my interest peaked, you ask?

….I found the holy grail. I know what you’re thinking, two-ply toilet paper? In CAS? Nah, man. I wish. What I found was better. A gumball machine.

So, I went to the black box and got some looks from my peers. I thought I had toilet paper under my shoe or something! There was nowhere to put quarters in so I just left my money on top of the box.

No gum came out. Trust me. A round, long cotton thing came out on a string wrapped in cardboard. The gumball machine is definitely broken. I emailed maintenance, but no one responded. It was the worst lollipop I’ve ever had.

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