COMMONWEALTH AVENUE—Over the last month, BU suffered losses of over 6,900 bikes that were abandoned to rust away under piles of snow.

After heavy snowfall on January somethingth, the unfortunate metal souls that were chained to bike racks across Comm Ave met an icy and deadly fate.

“That was literally my only mode of transport,” said ex-biker Outa Daway (CAS ‘20), an ex-bike owner, after receiving the news that his bike had been sacrificed to the winter gods. “How am I going to go anywhere now?”

As it turns out, the bike was quite literally Daway’s only mode of transport. “He isn’t attending classes anymore,” Daway’s roommate informed The Bunion. “He can’t even make it to the bathroom.”

Buried under rock-solid slabs of ice, the BU bike community is nearly extinct. Not even legendary bike thief Gimmy Yurbyke (QST ’19) can wedge his way around this one.

A memorial service will be later next week to commemorate the fast paced lives of those little stinkers on wheels.

It is rumored that 2 Chainz, the sole survivor of the catastrophe, will be among the attendees.

When asked about his attendance, Chainz only offered a profound moment of silence, which spoke volumes about the state of the community during this difficult time.

Although the BU biking community is profoundly devastated by these losses, literally everyone else is stoked.

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