Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)

WARREN TOWERS — Jordan Smith (CAS ‘16) is a fixture well known to many Warren Towers residents. Although Smith was supposed to graduate three years ago, she still spends her days and nights in Warren Towers, drunkenly attempting to swipe her card to gain access to the building.

Alan Johnson, a Warren Towers security guard, knows Smith well.

“Jordan seems like a nice young lady, but rules are rules. I simply cannot let her into the building unless she swipes her card first.”

Smith has stated that it has been hard for her to make friends at school, given the fact that she never regained access to her freshman dorm all those years ago, and her floor bonded without her.

Smith has also reportedly tried petitioning to get course credit for her time spent swiping in, citing it as a valuable lesson in physics, history, and social justice, even arguing that for her physical efforts, it should be counted as a PDP.

Some of the guards have begun to appreciate the spectacle, and even downright enjoy it.

“Have you seen this kid? Heart of a champion,” said Brian Dubrawski, a Warren security guard. “Nothing stops her. I’ve seen her fall down, get stepped on, puke, fall asleep, and then rally and begin the cycle all over again. You’ve gotta admit, kid’s got chutzpah.”

“We’ve started a betting pool about it,” said another Warren security guard who wished to remain anonymous. “I’ve made at least a hundred bucks on how many times she’s tried to swipe in with a Charlie card. Paid for my kids’ Christmas gifts. I hope she never stops.”

Smith has since become a medical mystery, and tour groups come from across the world to watch her pitiful swiping attempts. Tickets are $1,000 and partially funded by your undergraduate student fee.

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