Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)
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Hey I'm Kai. Things about liking walks on the beach and disliking people's knees. I hope you have a good day!

FITREC—There are a myriad of techniques to stay motivated employed by weight-lifters, whether it be a self-delivered pep talk or conjuring up memories. But Bradford McFadden (CAS ‘21) blurs the line between motivation and fluffing.

After finishing two reps of 120-pound dumbbell curls, he aggressively slaps his ass to keep focused on his task of becoming the most swole, yoked gymshark at BU.

“I like to think of every rep as a small victory for humankind,” McFadden said. “With each curl, I’m blessing the BU student body with a look at my own student body, a pulchritudinously-sculpted marvel that sends its viewers into an ethereal rift of child-like wonder.”

If you’re ever at FitRec, you’re bound to see McFadden at least once. Throughout his nearly eight-hour-long daily visits there, only one of those hours involves working out. For the rest of the time, McFadden continues with his ass-slapping technique until moans of self-righteous ecstasy overwhelm his brain with pleasure.

Unsurprisingly, this has made others uncomfortable.

“It’s been a tough year trying to focus on getting in shape with that…thing walking around,” said Jamie Schreiter (COM ‘20). “I mean yeah, I may have popped a boner more than a few times at the sight of his luscious pecs, and sure I occasionally let my jaw drop when I see him flex his back muscles, but there’s a limit, you know?”

But McFadden stays true to his calling to become the greatest bodybuilder in the world, just after he finishes his degree in marine biology. Though his grades have dropped to inexplicably low levels because of his obsession, he’s still committed to his cause.

“Yeah I got three Fs right now, but can you name any BU students who aren’t in the same position?” he asks. “Wait, almost none of them have the same grades as me? Fuck, maybe this is a problem. Damn, and my parents are spending a fortune to send me here. I should probably think this through.”

Just after this interview question, McFadden completed two 100-pound one-armed dumbbell rows. Immediately following, he smacked his toned, rock-hard butt so hard, he emitted a moan that broke the glass surrounding the upstairs basketball courts.

Even if McFadden drops out of BU, it’s safe to say his golden parachute of 3000 Instagram followers will keep him afloat.

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