Photoshopped by Emmie Phillips (COM '22)

Hey I'm Kai. Things about liking walks on the beach and disliking people's knees. I hope you have a good day!

Devin McLachlan (ENG ‘19) doesn’t just win at life, he gets a victory royale every day with his ingenious transportation scheme; flying through the air to class using his Fortnite Glider.

Ever since playing the Epic Games smash hit Fortnite for the first time on his PC, McLachlan has been hooked, not just on the game but on incorporating the themes of the game into his everyday life. Before each of his 8AM classes, he takes a grand leap of faith off the StuVi2 roof before finally opening his glider. From there, he soars through the air all the way to the Engineering Research Building on Cummington Mall.

“I tried taking the T, the shuttle and even walking like a normal fucking human being,” McLachlan said. “But I still think this is a much better alternative.”

He says flying through the air gives him an immeasurable rush. He describes the feeling as “orgasmic” and “what it must feel like to lose your virginity.”

McLachlan continues to pursue his love of Fortnite despite vocal critics who want nothing more than to stop him dead in his tracks. His roommate Declan Jefferies, for instance, has had enough.

“He literally doesn’t do anything else,” Jefferies said. “I try to go to sleep but his mouse clicking is so fucking loud. I have to take ambien every night to get through it and I’m personally surprised I haven’t overdosed yet.”

Nevertheless, Devin McLachlan’s passion persists.

“I’m pretty impressed that I was able to make it to tier 79 so fast in season six,” McLachlan said. “I have about 23 vic-roys this season alone, and already maxed out the battle pass by paying about 15,000 V-Bucks*, so it’s no big.”

McLachlan’s Fortnite merch doesn’t stop at his glider. Additionally, he wears a Calamity Jane skin to class, brings a small golden retriever in his backpack, and even takes a pickaxe with him so he can break through doors to get into his classroom.

“He once hit me right on the head with his pickaxe on accident, and I started bleeding profusely,” his CS professor Kendrick Waterson said. “I distinctly remember him telling me, as I writhed in pain on the floor, ‘Yo it’s only 10 damage, my dude. Just build lol.’”

McLachlan insists that any critics of his Fortnite fandom are just haters that can’t handle his aggressive lifestyle. He ensured the Bunion Writing Staff that he has his life completely under control.

“I’m seriously concerned with the fact that this student has not been expelled yet,” Waterson said. “I sustained an incredibly serious injury from these shenanigans and I’ve seen that McLachlan has faced no serious repercussions for it. I’m working with my lawyer on filing a class action lawsuit against Epic Games for creating Fortnite and enabling shitbags like Devin.”

*McLachlan later told our staff that 15,000 V-Bucks is equivalent to about $150, which he spent on a game available for free.

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