Meet the Characters in Your Gynecologist’s Waiting Room 

Katherine Wright 

It’s the most magical time of the year, and we’re back again in our favorite place: the gynecologist’s office. A place of gumdrops and rainbows and only half of our clothes (the bottom half, on our lucky days), where we let a doctor perform ritualistic acts with tools oddly reminiscent of medevial torture devices. 

As we sit in purgatory, let’s meet our fellow unlucky gynecologist go-ers…

The IUD Patient

Hobbling out of the lobby alone because no one said you’d barely be able to drive home with a contracting uterus. Where’s my epidural, thank you very much?

The Snacker

Eating a banana from the side to avoid feeling self-conscious. Just own it, girl! 

Pregnant Women with Perfectly Curled Hair

It’s eight o’clock in the morning, and this pregnant goddess in a skin-tight dress is literally exuding an aura of blinding sunlight, her curled hair blowing delicately in the cramped room. What, you think you’re better than me?

The Trick or Treater

Just here for the free maxi pads.

The Mother-Daughter Team

Fighting about the birth control pill. “Mom, it’s just for period cramps.” “You’ve been a whore ever since you started eighth grade.”

The Victoria’s Secret Trespasser

You know that creep in the mall who’s always lurking outside of Victoria’s Secret? This is what he does with the rest of his time.

The Girl Who Said You’d Never Make it as a Songwriter

And even though she was right, at least she has to goddamn sit in the stirrups, too.

Aunt Flo

An unfortunately named aunt who wishes her sister never had those frickin kids so the people in her office would stop calling her Aunt Flo. “My name is Florence.”

Your Middle School Science Teacher

Avoid eye contact at all cost? Make awkward chit chat about the Krebs cycle? Best to stop staring. I think she might be in the middle of a parent-teacher conference.

Hermione Granger

Giving a lecture to a nearby nurse about the proper mechanics of a pelvic exam. “It’s pelvi-o-sa, not pelvio-sa!” Apparently the gynecology practices in the wizarding world are one of their not-so-strong suits. 

A Civil War Impersonator

A gynecologist’s worst nightmare. They don’t tell you in medical school to remind patients that chastity belts are strictly forbidden in the office. (And I certainly don’t have the heart to tell her that chastity belts were not a part of the Civil War era.) “Where can I park my horse?” 

Alas, however, most eyes are on me. 

I am an oracle, with the capacity to see the fateful future, and I have just informed the others of what lies in store for them behind those examination doors. 

In a sea of chaotic, chair-overturning, bloodcurdling madness, future IUD patients sprint out of the clinic, sobbing. Your middle school science teacher smashes her laptop on the floor. The snacker frantically shoves a front-facing banana down her throat, while the daughter throws loose condoms at her mother. Pregnant women violently google the word “episiotomy,” and the Civil War impersonator thanks God for her authentic chastity belt replica. Aunt Flo deletes her sister’s contact from her phone.

Meanwhile, Hermione Granger abandons all attempts to defeat Lord Voldemort. “I didn’t know there were people who had to walk down open hallways carrying Dixie cups of their own urine. That is a humiliation far worse than any Unforgivable Curse.”

But seriously, guys, schedule your pap smears.

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