When you stepped outside Warren Towers today, you might’ve frozen into an icicle because no plant-based coat could possibly keep you warm and fashionable enough to survive longer than 30 seconds. Luckily, former Canadian coyote and current pile of bones Daniel Johnson made the ultimate sacrifice to be slaughtered and ripped apart so that his fur could protect you from the freezing cold!
Wow! Talk about true selflessness!
Up in Canada, Daniel was living the life. He had a wife, seven beautiful children, and a house with a built-in 59-inch flat screen television. But when Daniel found out that you were a little cold, he knew he had to do the right thing. Even as Daniel’s body was about to be torn to shreds and he saw the light at the end of the tunnel, this 16 month old canine’s desire to keep you cozy and chic never wavered.
Isn’t that amazing? Thank goodness a large, for-profit corporation was willing to turn his fur into a coat and sell it to you for a thousand dollars!
Sure, Daniel must’ve been bummed that he couldn’t go to little Stevie’s first soccer game or see his daughter Lexi play a tree in her school’s Hairspray production. And if we said that Stevie and Lexi didn’t mind their father’s absence from their life, we’d be lying. Heck, Lexi’s abandonment issues may mean that she’ll never love again. But Daniel knew that egocentrism is wrong, which is why he will always put your comfort and aesthetic before his family’s needs, even if you only care about his fur or think your jacket came from an actual goose.
What an inspiration! Every time a stylish BU student needs to brave a Boston winter day, we can only hope that other Canadian coyotes will look to the rotting flesh of history’s most altruistic animal and remember what they need to do.