With cuffing season right around the corner and hoeing around at an all time high, the flu is going to be nasty this year. Avoid the embarrassment of texting Boy from TITS, “hey did you give me the flu lol?” and just get vaccinated! As a warning, here are the five people most likely to bring the flu epidemic to campus this year. Watch out for them. Don’t be number six.
1. Chad from Pike
We all love Chad from PIKE. He lets anyone hit his Juul. And I mean anyone. He puts his entire mouth over the Questrom water fountains. Not only does he manspread on the T, but he sneezes all over the entire Green Line. When he goes to FitRec, Chad doesn’t wipe down any of the machines. Last weekend, he hooked up with more girls in total than you have in your entire life.
2. Your Messing Roommate
Your roommate comes home from the engineering lab after 2am most nights, eats Ramen, and sleeps for under four hours. You’ve never seen him drink anything but soda, and his immune system is definitely compromised. He’s worn the same t-shirt for a week. He definitely doesn’t have time to shower, clean his side of the room, or get a flu vaccine.
3. Daisy, President of the Anti-Vaxxer Club
The Anti-Vaxxer club has a small following this year, as Polio prevented many of its members from returning to campus this Fall. Nonetheless, Daisy is working tirelessly to impress Jenny McCarthy. She protests outside immunization clinics, graffitied the CAS bathroom stalls with warnings, and recently got kicked out of Sargent. Her apartment ran out of hand soap two weeks ago and she still hasn’t bought any more.
4. Professor who spits all over first row, has the flu but says its just allergies
This professor is at least 80-years-old and is pretty sick of you treating his 8am Art History lecture as a blow-off class. He didn’t put on his tweed blazer and set up his PowerPoint slides from 2005 for nothing. When he yells at the class for their absences, his spit soaks the first row. Even the back row is damp with his coffee breath. It’s like SeaWorld, but without the whales.
5. remy, allston rat
Remy comes from a long line of Allston rats. Like his father before him, he grew up in the alley behind a crack den. Remy, his wife, and their little rat babies recently moved into the Chi Phi frat house, so the kids can be in a better school district. He’s a family man, but he’ll bite you if you get too close and mistake him for a small cat. In addition to the flu virus, Remy also carries the Bubonic plague!
Editor’s Note: This article is sponsored by the perpetually empty hand sanitizer dispensers that say, “Fight germs with Rhett.” #FightGermsWithRhett