BOSTON, MA—MBTA officials made another shocking announcement this week, reversing their previous decision to cancel late night T service. Funds were pulled from those used to operate daytime T service, effectively cancelling all daytime hours of subway and bus lines.
“People were really outraged over the late night service cancellation,” MBTA Chief Administrator Joe Lopez said. “So we got together and tried to figure out how we could scrape together the funds to give them what they want.”
MBTA daylight service will be cancelled effective immediately for all subway and bus lines—except for one renegade Silver Line 2 bus driver. When notified that his services would no longer be needed he responded, “I was never needed,” and drove backwards down an abandoned alley.
Officials estimate that this will save the MBTA millions of dollars, at least thousands. MBTA accountant Kean Miller summed the records up for reporters Monday night.
“I mean, it’s crazy, but it’s true,” muttered a frazzled Miller. “We were operating at a loss of $250 million and with this change we’re going to be operating at a loss of $50 million. Numbers wise, it makes sense, but in every other regard, not much can be said.”
The decision was announced after an unprecedentedly short board meeting—totaling only four minutes.
“Yeah, we’ve mostly given up at this point,” sighed disillusioned board member Leslie Harkins. “Maybe public transit was too ambitious, too unrealistic.”
When informed of the policy shift, UBER executive Sydney Patrick’s eyes glazed over as she thought of all the money she would be making. She was last seen whispering “UBER Air Force One” to herself.