CAS—Widespread panic ensued in the College of Arts and Sciences today as an Introduction to Philosophy class arrived to find Timothy Davis (CAS ‘18) in the seat which has been sat in regularly by Ellie Torrance (COM ’18) all semester.

“I nearly threw up when I saw her sprawled out in my seat, her laptop plugged in like she owns the place, “ said Torrance, while Davis quietly sipped his CityCo french vanilla coffee in the seat that Torrance knew was truly hers. “I always sit in the corner desk. Where am I supposed to go now? Do I sit in John’s seat? Then where will he sit?“

After receiving a tip from an anonymous passerby, Boston University Behavioral Medicine officials dispatched a squad to guide the victimized classmates to alternative seating as Davis made mosaics on the desk using half-melted chocolate.

“I hope this final exam review starts soon,” said Davis, more enthused by the wood grain of his stolen canvas than by the knowledge that he had pulverized his fellow students’ concept of order and innocence.

Experts immediately began to weigh in on the “near-cataclysmic” event of terrible social upheaval.

“These radical seat-takers are commonly known as ‘floaters,’ and they’re a nuisance to academic experience,” explained Nigel Withers, a self-described furniture relations specialist . “A ‘floater strike’, as I call it, can upset the atmosphere of even the most harmonious class dynamic.

“Students develop surprisingly intimate relationships with their faux-wood temple; when one student violates the sacred seating, no one knows where to turn,” Withers continued.

“BU Behavioral Medicine is familiar with these cases and has established therapy techniques for victims in transition,” said Mitzi Kane of Student Health Services. “The most preferred treatments are catharsis by spoken word haiku or synchronized hammocking. You can also take a nap to get your mind off of it.”

At press time, Davis was plotting a mutiny for the final day of classes.

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