Malnourished freshman Jerry Selmer (CAS ’20) reportedly enrolled at Boston University for Fall 2016 after hearing about the promised “Freshman 15” that he would gain after a year at this school.

“This summer I attempted to go on a sailing trip around the world in seven days,” said Selmer. “Unfortunately, my boat was blown off track and I crashed on a deserted island. I ate sand for three months before someone found me.”

Selmer was scurrying to find a way to replenish his nutrients, when he heard about the “Freshman 15” program at Boston University.

“I thought, hey, now there’s a structured program that will keep me committed to feasting,” said Selmer.

The Freshman 15 diet consists of four large pizzas, a pack of beer, and eating an entire cow every day until weight gain is achieved. If needed, the program recommends taking supplements of marijuana in order to increase hunger.

Included in the Freshman 15 plan is the Unlimited Unlimited dining hall plan, which allows you to go to the homes of dining hall workers and eat all of the food in their pantries.

“So far, I’ve only been here a day and I’ve already been happily bloated for like eight hours,” reports Selmer.

At press time, Selmer’s roommate was breaking the news to him that he also has to take classes in order to stay enrolled.

Leave a Reply