MYLES MAIL ROOM—In a effort to show that one of the priorities for Boston University is creating a safe space for all people, the University announced Sunday morning that from now on, all workers in the University residence hall mail rooms will be female.

“If a spot on campus has a name that is a homophone of a word that represents the patriarchy, that’s a problem. And the way you fix a problem is to subvert expectations,” stated Humphbert Finkles, head of Boston University’s Equal Opportunities Initiative and avid fan of polo. “People will ask ‘Male room?’ and I’ll say ‘No way, have you seen that place, there’s ladies everywhere,’ that’s what I call progress.”

Critics of Finkles have expressed that Finkles’ decree actually does very little to improve the state of gender equality on campus and some have gone as far to call it a publicity stunt to attract media attention.

“I personally feel like I’m being used,” stated mail room worker Stephanie Greenfeld. “I mean, I used to be Professor Greenfeld, gender studies professor and P.h.d candidate and now I get paid minimum wage to do the job of a low tier post office worker without any of the status of working for the government!”

“But on the bright side, now I am on the top of my alphabetizing game,” continued Greenfeld.

“Humphbert is more than qualified to be in this position and I think he is doing a great job,” reported Shingles McWhitengale, a University board member who was the one to recommend Finkles for the position of head of the EOI. “I know that I can trust Humphbert to do the right thing because he wears very nice suits and knows all about golf and only trustworthy caring people know about golf and like nice suits.”

At press time Finkles was seen petitioning to rename the “George Sherman Union” the “George Sherwoman Union.”

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