Maggie Vatter (CAS '22)

Maggie is a Junior studying International Relations and Spanish. She is nothing but a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things.

Since the start of the pandemic, Hojo has served as the university’s quarantine housing. However, there has been a new epidemic that has recently broken out in the dormitory: cannibalism.

There has been an increase in incidents of students devouring one another since the start of this academic year. “A couple of human consumption incidents tend to happen here and there, ya know? But this is getting out of hand,” says RA Maria Gendry. Reports range from students waking up with bite sized holes in their legs to finding a human skeleton picked clean lying within the hallways. School officials aren’t sure what is causing this outbreak.

“We’ve tried to communicate with our RAs about the seriousness of this problem and are working with them to create new awareness about this situation for Hojo. Next week we’re introducing our anti-cannibalism zoom parties and encouraging RAs to adapt anti-cannibalism floor decor” said Tim Reid, director of Hojo, as he put up a Stop The Bite poster, “But, as far as we’re concerned, we can’t force students to not eat each other.”

In response to the evident change in student diet, dining halls have changed their menus. For example, Marciano Commons has added raw ground beef and de-meated chicken bones amongst other options for student offerings. In the meantime, residence officials are considering muzzles for Hojo residents in order to prevent any further cannibal incidents.

At press time, residence life announced a new campaign to curb the cannibalism in Hojo: Roomies Stay Winners, Friends Aren’t Dinner.

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