Lauren Kelmar (COM '21)

Lauren is a senior from Palo Alto, CA studying Film and Television. She watches Taylor Momsen do parkour in her spare time. She is better at Wii bowling than Maddy Schmidt.

Clarence Goldman (QST ‘19) thinks it’s time the lazy river gets out in the working world.

“He’s 30 years old and doesn’t contribute anything to our economy,” Goldman said. “He’s not even a homeowner!”

The lazy river applied for a few jobs in the acting business after graduating from college, but never made it past the interview stage.

“He just doesn’t have the body for TV,” Ben Peter (COM ‘21), who interviewed the lazy river, said.

The lazy river’s friends report that he has been too tired to go out at nights with them and refuses to leave his home.

The lazy river was too sad to comment.

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