Clarence Goldman (QST ‘19) thinks it’s time the lazy river gets out in the working world.

“He’s 30 years old and doesn’t contribute anything to our economy,” Goldman said. “He’s not even a homeowner!”

The lazy river applied for a few jobs in the acting business after graduating from college, but never made it past the interview stage.

“He just doesn’t have the body for TV,” Ben Peter (COM ‘21), who interviewed the lazy river, said.

The lazy river’s friends report that he has been too tired to go out at nights with them and refuses to leave his home.

The lazy river was too sad to comment.

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