Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)
Chase Madden (QST '20)

Chase studies finance at Questrom and undoubtedly would be placed in Slytherin because of it.

The school year is here once again. As incoming freshmen make their way to campus to gum up the works for everyone else, we at The Bunion thought we’d share some tips on college life. Here is everything we know, from lugging around textbooks to living in a dorm that shares an architect with a maximum security prison.

1. Textbooks can be so thick and heavy.

Avoid carrying them around by not buying them. If you’re really worried about falling behind, we recommend stalking the author, cornering him outside his niece’s piano recital, and forcing him to give you a summary of the book.

2. When moving in, it often feels like your parents get incredibly embarrassing.

Don’t worry, everybody’s dad checks the water pressure in the women’s restroom.

3. When you find a bug in your room, befriend him.

He’s not going anywhere, plus you’ll find that he might actually be a better roommate than your roommate.

4. Be different.

A common yet part of classes is coming up with a fun fact for yourself. It’s best to be creative. Lie about your dad owning a small country, or claim you have a rare strain of gonorrhea.

5. Knowing your roommate is the key to a successful living situation.

Take a look through their garbage to get a better grasp on what they like.

Yes, it sucks that you’re paying $14,000 to live in a glorified prison cell, but focus on the positive: at least the bathrooms have doors.

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