Sexy nurses and playboy bunnies are cute costumes for women with no belly fat and nonexistent razor burn. And let’s be honest, they all look incredible. That being said, some of us don’t know how to shave our bikini line and get looks when we walk into a Brandy Melville. So, here are 6 recommended Halloween costumes for women who were terrified to wear bikinis in middle school.
- Large paper bag
A classic. This will deter anyone from approaching you, not that they would anyway since you’re over a size 2. Your skinny friends will be the ones getting hit on anyway, so by wearing this stylish and crunchy bag, you’re avoiding attention in the healthiest way possible.
- Pumpkin costume
Do NOT accentuate your waist. With this costume, you can look even more round. Extra points if your costume has a Jack-o-lantern face on it, so you can show off your self awareness and how unhinged you truly are.
- Harry Potter
We know you never read the books and you only saw one movie ( you forget which one), but your skinny friend wants to be sexy Hermione so you’re left with being frumpy Harry Potter. You weren’t trying to meet someone at the party anyway. Who wants to hook up with curvy Harry Potter? Okay, after I asked that, I think I just summoned a niche audience that would very much indeed like a curvy Harry Potter. If you can, make a last ditch effort and try to be sexy Dobby instead.
- Po the Teletubby
You suggested the group costume to your friends, but they didn’t want to hide their bodies behind a teletubby’s round belly. You, on the other hand, prefer hiding your body. This costume could be done by wearing all red, or you can go one step further and get a full on mascot costume so no one knows who you are all night. Anonymity on Halloween is kind of the point, but you could take it to the next level with this costume.
- Sweats because you’re not going anywhere
You know what? Halloween isn’t that great and wearing sweats and watching Halloweentown sounds better. Actually, no, not Halloweentown. Remember when they replaced Kimberly J. Brown with a thinner actress who looked NOTHING like her? Yeah, me too. Honestly, Halloween sucks and I will be preparing for ugly-Christmas-sweater season which is a personal highlight every year. Holiday work parties, beware.