Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)
Liam Grogan (COM '23)

Liam Grogan is a Freshman in COM studying Film/TV, but if his parents ask he's studying business in Questrom...

OUTSIDE OF QUESTROM — Juul announced on Thursday that it would be introducing a new line of mango flavored asthma inhalers in an effort to expand their customer base. Juul CEO K.C. Crosthwaite spoke out about the new product.

“We’ve always been concerned with the number of teenagers who abuse our products,” Crosthwaite said. “That’s why we created this brand new inhaler so that when your popcorn lung is no longer feeling ‘on fleek’, there’s an easy solution!”

The Bunion’s initial analysis of the inhalers revealed a nicotine content 10x higher than a standard Juul pod.

When asked if they were worried whether these inhalers could be highly addictive, Crosthwaite responded, “No we’re not concerned at all! We’ve spent months in this lab perfecting this formula to be absolutely certain it is the most addictive possible, we could never in good conscious put a product to market that only ‘might’ be addictive.”

After insisting that they have serious concerns about selling to teens and children, Juul moved on to announcing their new corporate partnerships. Among other things, Juul released new Disney Channel branded pods, such as Hannah Montana Banana, Wizards of Waverly Vape, Phineas and Fruity, in addition to new custom Fortnite skins only redeemable with the purchase of a new Juul. But only with your parent’s permission first, kids!

At press time, Juul released a new Juul, that every time you take a hit, will say “I love you and I’m proud of you” in the voice of your emotionally distant father.

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