Photoshopped by Cassie Berta (COM '21)
Lauren Kelmar (COM '21)

Lauren is a junior from Palo Alto, CA studying Film and Television. She thinks flaming hot cheetos and Nutella go well together.

CITY CONVENIENCE —  Jeremy Johnson (CAS ‘21) was walking through CityCo as his mom called to remind him that he’s more than halfway through with his college life.

“Before you know it you will have passed your prime,” Mary Johnson said. “Do something memorable.”

Johnson proceeded to slide down the wall of CityCo and cry while stroking his newly dyed purple mohawk. However, as he did, he saw a shrimp Ramen pack in a rotating glass case with flashing lights and girls in bikinis dancing around it. The ramen packet also weighed over 2,000 tons.

Johnson wiped his tears and got up to examine the coveted ramen pack. He checked the price tag, which read $50,000 and immediately backed away.

“I can’t, can I?” Johnson whispered to himself. “No no, I just quit my job and my divorce settlement isn’t even finalized yet. C’mon Jeremy get a grip.”

Johnson took a deep breath and walked out of CityCo. However, the ramen pack was all he thought about for the rest of the day. 

“I kept making excuses to drive past CityCo in my new porsche to see the ramen pack,” Johnson told The Bunion. “It just made me so happy.” 

At the end of the day, Johnson decided to chase that feeling.

“You know what? I deserve this, and my kid can eat some of it too!” Johnson said as he bought the ramen pack. “I haven’t fed him in days come to think of it.”

At press time, The Bunion learned that Johnson’s ex-wife won half of the ramen packet in the divorce settlement. 

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